I can’t believe this blog has been around for a year. A-dawg is going on 6 months. He’s already eating real foods.
Okay… So I need to rethink how this blog is going to be maintained. I barely kept this updated and I think it’s time that I begin to dedicate more time to this piece of crap.
Look out for more:
Shitty recipes for men
Stupid short stories
And personal ramblings of the empty soul.
Have a happy new year.
So it was 10:45 a.m. and my stomach was growling and begging for some food. When you’re caught up at an awkward time like 10:45 a.m. where you’re not sure if you should be eating breakfast or lunch, there is one option you can choose. I would like to introduce you to the Breakfast Salad. The Breakfast Salad is great because its packed full of protein and vegetables, so you’ll feel like Superman after gobbling down a plate of this. Let’s break this bad boy down for you.
4-5 Romaine Lettuce Pieces
Fistful of Baby Spinach
8 baby carrots or 1 whole carrot
6 slices of cucumber or any other vegetable
3-4 strips of Bacon
Hot Sauce (optional)
Poppyseed dressing (optional)
1.) First chop up all those veggies and prepare them for the base of your salad.
2.) Next, turn on a skillet and start cooking those huevos. That means eggs for the culturally ignorant.
3.) Don’t be a pair of girls panties. Put some spices on that mess.
4.) Fry up some bacon and sausage and get that prepared to toss up in that mess of veggies.
5.) When the eggs, bacon and sausage are done cooking, toss them up on the pile of greens and drizzle some poppyseed dressing on the top of it. I bought this from Trader Joe’s.
6.) Wa-la you got yourself a Breakfast Salad. Congratulations, you’re not a retard.
Top this off with a big ol glass of Apple Juice.
I received a phone call from my friend Bryce today to hear out an idea he had in regards to Valentine’s Day. He briefly explained that he wanted to create a simple contest where the winner would win a Valentine’s date with him. He explained that the contest and date would be in good spirits and should not be mistaken as a desperate attempt to take a lucky winning lady to the Bone Zone. He continued to discuss that the contest was only available to single ladies of all ages. After all, single ladies are a lot more fun to take out for Valentine’s Day than your mother’s twice-married friend or your friend girl who has a boyfriend that wants to turn the date into some weird threesome. Although Bryce is open to a date during any time of the day, or all day, his ideas include taking the lucky winner out mini-golfing at dusk, sharing an intimate evening of cocktails followed by a steak dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steak House, and catching a movie at the theater.
You can find more information here!
I couldn’t help but love the simple creativity behind the idea.
I thought I would help him out and create some promotional posters:
For the ladies who love a bearded, brawny yet classy Bryce…
For the ladies who like the dirty, yet understanding, cowboy Bryce:
And finally, for all the sensitive ladies (all y’all):
…so who is Bryce? Maybe you have already been swept off your feet when you laid your eyes on the cowboy Bryce promotional poster or maybe you are just curious about who the man behind the mystery is. This is the story of the man behind the mustache.
Chapter 1: “Birth” of the Titan.
Bryce was created by Japanese mathematician and mechanical engineer, Dr. Huratu Murakami. Dr. Murakami was constructing a series of nuclear kamikaze war machines in the form of babies that would be used to destroy foreign enemy nations physically and emotionally. Dr. Murakami was able to have 25 of these machines manufactured and sold to 8 different countries before he was assassinated by a Japanese extremist group, RSONB (Rising Sun Over Nuclear Babies). Bryce 2.1 was #26 of the series, and was an incomplete unit capable of artificial intelligence and love but not nuclear warfare capabilities.
Dusty and covered in cobwebs, Bryce 2.1 sat in the old Japanese military factory until a Nicaraguan general was received word of the remaining unit and offered a large sum of money to have it shipped overseas to the Central American country. En route, the cargo plane carrying Bryce 2.1 had an engine failure and crashed into an unknown area of Central American jungle. The Bryce 2.1 unit’s flame-resistant material and durable metals helped him survive the brutal fall. Somehow, Bryce 2.1 was powered on after breaking out of its crate and landing outside of the plane. Bryce 2.1 was conscious and alone in an unknown environment for the first time.
After weeks of slowly exploring the unknown territory, a shaman known as Running Tree discovered Bryce 2.1 slowly treading in a swamp. Running Tree had never seen anything like this machine before and quickly believed it was a sign from the Great Spirit. Running Tree collected the robot and brought him back to camp. The others of the Apocohopa tribe were excited to have Bryce 2.1 as a guest but did not understand why his skin was shiny and why his movements made the sounds of drills. The shaman, Running Tree, decided to perform the Apocohopa dance ritual that would turn robots into human beings. They believed Bryce 2.1 was an intelligent and astonishing creature but had no soul. The ritual dance would send a soul to the body of Bryce 2.1.
Bryce 2.1 became Bryce after receiving a human soul and flesh. He was placed under the guidance of Running Tree and learned the strange and mystical ways of the Earth and what it means to be human. Bryce spend his childhood learning the peaceful ways of the Apocohopa, but when he became a teenager, he felt it was time for him to leave the tribe and search for his own path in life.
Bryce walked North for years and years, searching for a land that would suit his needs. He eventually came across a beautiful green land of plentiful food, agriculture and water.
Bryce was 89 years old when he settled in the lush green community of Lake Los Angeles. However, Bryce had felt that his life was coming to an end and was afraid he would not be able to live his life in this promised land he had been searching for most of his life.
Remembering the rituals of the Shaman, Bryce performed the ancient traditional Rejuvination dance. The Rejuvination dance would revive Bryce back to a young 14 year old boy, but would require sucking the life out of the community around him. Bryce reluctantly performed this ritual and once again became young.
Bryce was pleased to be young again and eventually became an active member of his community and attended Littlerock High School to regain an American education. I met Bryce in high school and we became friends. Bryce was a good guy with a high intelligence and knowledge base in film, music and comedy. Bryce was one of my groomsmen in my wedding.
Bryce currently resides in San Diego, CA and no longer practices shaman rituals.
When I eat my food, I like my food to fight back. I like to work on chewing and tearing apart my meal with the incisors evolution intended for me to use. This is why I’ve created the Beef Jerky Sandwich. You’re more than welcome to call it the BJ Sandwich because that’s what you’re going to be wanting to give yourself after you’ve made and tasted this masterpiece. Let’s get down to business.
2-4 slabs of Beef Jerky (or Turkey Jerky)
2-4 strips of bacon (or turkey bacon)
2 blocks of Laughing Cow swiss flavored cheese
2 slices of bread
2 balls of steel
1.) First begin by grilling the bacon in a pan. I decided to use turkey bacon today.
2.) Next, you’re going to want to begin cutting up the tomato and onion while your bacon is cooking. I cut my tomato up into four slices. My onion was rotten on the outside, so I only used a few slices from the inside.
3.) Next, pop your bread slices in the toaster to give your bread some crunch. Today I toasted mine to a crispy outside and soft inside, just like my soul.
4.) When the toast is finished, transfer it to a plate and begin spreading the Laughing Cow swiss cheese.
5.) Next, throw some hot sauce on it. Don’t be a puss. Put some more.
6.) Take your tomato slices and place them on each slice of bread. This will give your sandwich some cushion while holding the tough, chewy goodness inside. Add your beef jerky on top of one of the tomato layers. Today, I used Teriyaki Turkey Jerky.
7.) I knew my bacon was done on the stove because my smoke alarm went off. Whenever you think your bacon is done grilling, place it on top of the sandwich and then toss some onions on top of that.
8.) You’re done! Smash the two slices together and you’ve got yourself a bad-ass meal. This meal compliments a hearty glass of egg nog or whiskey.
We all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes can ruin our reputation with others. The good news is that you can fix your mistakes before they immediately take effect on others. The secret is in identifying the “Oh Hell No” factor. The “Oh Hell No” factor can be identified in people’s facial expressions, gestures, mannerisms and remarks.
Ladies and Alphamales, I’d like to introduce “Oh Hell No” (OHN) face #1. Today’s face is a classic expression. It speaks a few other phrases besides “Oh Hell No”. “Are you for real?”, “You are retarded.”, “You’re shittin’ me.”, “Do you think I’m an idiot?” are all some of the phrases that underlie the broad OHN face. This OHN face can turn into a very threatening situation because it could lead to a viral ruin of reputation. This type of OHN will possibly leak to other people (through gossip) and have an effect leading to mass OHN’s.
Men, you might just see this OHN face when you ask a hot date to pay for dinner and come back to your mom’s house for some quiet intercourse, while she’s asleep in the room next door. Ladies, you won’t have this problem with men, but you might see this OHN face on your best friend when you tell them that a guy took you out on a date and you ended up paying for dinner and going back to his mom’s house to silently have intercourse while his mom was snoring in the room next door. This particular OHN face is somewhat dangerous. When you see this expression on someone’s face, it could cost you your reputation.
COUNTER-ATTACK: There are ways to counter-attack this OHN face. While a simple “Just Kidding! Gotcha!” might work, it doesn’t quite leave the person completely convinced you are joking. There are a few steps to counter-attack this particular OHN.
1) Identify the type of OHN face you are dealing with.
2.1) Quickly diffuse the situation before the OHN face turns into an OHN outlook.
2.2) Quickly and sharply throw out an exclamation. (i.e. “So…!!”, “Aha!”, “Woo!”) This will distract the person from their ripening negative opinions and judgments and put them into a temporary stunned position.
2.3) While the person is in a stunned position, it will now give you a brief amount of time to turn the mood of the conversation around. Say something funny, charming or heart-warming (i.e. “My grandma moves faster than this waiter!”, “You know…your outfit really compliments your personality.”, “That reminds me! I need to rescue that puppy at the animal shelter for its birthday tomorrow!”)
3) The final step is to ease back into the previous conversation and correct your mishap by taking yourself out of the OHN outlook.
Here is an example:
John: “Thanks for having dinner with me tonight, I have loved being with you.”
Betty: “I had a really good time too.”
John: “So how about after you pay for this [slides restaurant bill over to her side of the table], we come back to my mom’s house and get freaky. But we have to keep it quiet cause she’ll be asleep in the room next door.
Betty: [stun mode]
John: “I just remembered next week that I will be buying 80 pairs of TOMS in order to disburse 80 pairs of shoes to children in need! I can’t wait!”
John: “So anyway [grabs bill back], I was just joking about paying for dinner. [ ]. It’s on me. How about after this we go back to your car and get freaky cause my mom’s asleep and I don’t wanna wake her up.
Betty: “You’re such a sweetheart, of course we can do that!”
As you can see this is a risky situation, but when its your reputation at hand, you should know how to effectively back track and fix your screw ups. This type of OHN danger level is: HIGH.